We've been acutely aware of light, and the absence of it lately. In this new country we've found ourselves as a family, it can be and stay pretty dark. We are just about 60 miles south of the Canadian border and with that brings a later sunrise after the winter solstice, around 8:30 a.m. It also brings a much earlier sunset somewhere around 4:15 p.m.. We live in farmland, North Dakota with only a few street lights lit up around us after nightfall. We experience darkness in new ways here.
When we first arrived, the kids' rooms had nightlights in them leftover from the previous owner. I was glad because it made those rooms a little easier to settle into for the kids. Something about the glow of that little oval shaped light bulb made it easier to rest and go to sleep in peace. Each night after prayers and the endless tucking in of blankets, I am again asked to leave the hall light on.
This past Christmas, each of my kids were given headlamps to use and play with from my in laws. I'm pretty sure they were my father in law's idea as he is always finding those fun gifts I would not have thought of. I cannot tell you what a big hit they were! Overnight, we had found ourselves with three new miners in the house :-).
There's just something about light.
Today in the beginning of the new year, I picked up my Bible after the kids took off for school. I have been off a regular reading plan of my own for a while now. I have journaled and read and been in study and sat under teaching, but my personal, one on one reading had been lacking. That's another reason why we love New Years as it recalibrates our habits that have gotten off. I didn't have a real decisive place to begin but I am always drawn to the Gospels to look at Jesus again. He tells us that if we have seen the Son, we have seen the Father. I admit in my faith life I have often gotten God so wrong. I have often seen Him smaller, grumpier, more judgemental, angrier and more disappointed in me than Scripture ever reveals. It has been a struggle of mine and so often I am resistant to open the word in case I will find that judging God. But in my lack of personal study I have also been deprived of the true God. And I have desperately needed that. More on that later :-)
I opened to the Gospel of John because I love John. It was the first book of the Bible I ever read as a youth on my own. I also love how John refers to himself as the "disciple that Jesus loved". I think that takes incredible security and confidence to boldly acknowledge and the truth and proclaim, I am the one Jesus loves. And it made me think God would greatly delight in that confidence in us today that we would wear in our hearts and minds that proclamation. I am the one Jesus loves.
But back to the book of John. I began reading and my first feeling was guilt for not having been reading more lately and many times I would have shut the book because of that, yet something or Someone, I believe urged me on. Stay Mary. You are new. Yesterday is past. I love you. I do not love you so that you would feel guilty. Stay here with Me....
So I read the familiar words....
"In the beginning...."
"The Word was God"
"In Him was life and this life was the light of men."
And here's where I stopped.
Side note: Often we try and tackle Bible reading like a novel. We want to get through the story but Scripture isn't like that. It itself reminds us that the word of God is "active and living, sharper than any two edged sword, piercing as far as division of sword and spirit...." What that means to me is when I read, I am not reading a book of the past. A passive group of words. The Bible is alive and able to penetrate my heart and life today. Right where I am and give me the word for today from the very Heart of God. It doesn't matter how many times I read those same words, it will always mean and speak to me in a new way. So when I read and I come to a place where I am spoken to, I stop and stay there on that verse. I do not go any further because I believe God has spoken to me that word for this day. And that's all I need. Even if it's only one verse. Even if it takes me a year to read through one book. My desire cannot just be the accomplishment of finishing a book. It must be to hear and know my God.
So here's where I stopped.
"And the light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it".
I've always read that to mean that the darkness, the world, the things that are not of God just don't comprehend Him. Don't understand Him. Aren't drawn to the things of God. The darkness is not drawn to Him or to light. Before I've interpreted that in my life to explain why people often don't understand my belief in God or my love for Him. But this morning on closer look, that's not what the verse means.
My eyes scanned over to the footnote marking of the literal translation of the word "comprehend". In the original language, it meant "overcome".
"And the light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not overcome it."
And I stopped. Darkness not overcoming the Light.
In this new place we have found ourselves, in all the adventures and stories; In the newness and the excitement, darkness still has found it's way here to my heart. In this new year, I have found myself flooded in tears that are unexplainable. Moments when it is difficult to intrinsically derive joy or enthusiasm the day. I can explain away all the reasons why, but the reality is the darkness is here and I am overcome by it.
It is in these times when I long for something Greater than daily habits to raise my spirits. More than a to do list to help me feel better. I need more to keep me getting up and pursuing my day and daily responsibilities. So when I re-read that verse I saw the truth that penetrated to my very soul. "And the Light shines IN the darkness and the darkness did not OVERCOME it." When the very parts of my soul ache and is lonely and discouraged and without joy, Jesus shines in THAT darkness. MY darkness. And He will not be overcome by it, which means as I am His, I will not be overcome by it, though at times can feel like I have been. Maybe I have been, but Jesus hasn't. It is in that moment I am again reminded how my life is in Him and when the world seems the emptiest, He is there. Overcoming the darkness that I cannot. I think we all have a place of darkness we want Jesus to overcome. Even on that darkest of afternoons on Calvary, the dark did not overcome the Light. He knows darkness. So He can enter into mine with me. And it has NOT overcome Him. For this reason I cling and I have hope.
As I write about our journey to this new place, I have found many things that I have loved and embraced. But also another part of this journey that I have just found is that God is doing a new thing in me. Things I have not anticipated. Things that I did not expect. I am learning to find HIM enough and new. I am thankful for the grace to do that today.
