I was supposed to be on a train yesterday. Taking the Amtrak from Minot, ND to Chicago's Union Station, then catching the suburban Metra to my hometown Barrington. Just me. Looking forward to a conference I've been waiting for for several months. Whether it was sheer hope or an inadequate realization that it would be impossible for me to leave Matt and the kids for several days, I planned on going, but painfully a few weeks ago knew it wouldn't work out with me being gone. During Matt's busy work week. During Corinne's basketball season. With Cosette homeschooling this year and the Halloween activities this weekend, not to mention Ryder's infamous Turkey Day on Saturday... :-)
Now, I know it's OK for "mom" to be gone sometimes. The house won't cave in. The kids will still eat and dad will be just fine. Many times when mom's not around the kids have a special kind of fun and great memories are born out of "just dad" time. But we just couldn't make this time work.
I was and still am bummed. It's OK. But truly a disappointment.
I was looking forward to sitting in the seats in the church where I grew up and listen to world class speakers lead us into deeper understanding of our life's journey, especially seen from God's eyes. I was looking forward to sitting with my dearest friend whom I've had since my early early teens, smiling those wordless smiles because we have journeyed for so long with one another. I was looking forward to hugging my mom and dad and good food and a heavy sleep and frankly, just time with no demands for a few days.
But back here at home, the school routine began as usual. It's getting colder faster so it takes a little while longer to get ready. Cole wanted me to drive him to school this morning because he gets extra credit when we practices his trumpet in the music room before classes start. So with buttered toast and bananas in hand, we headed out for the long drive to school. We were listening to the country radio station and Corinne was talking about tomorrow's Halloween party at school. The sun was barely rising when I dropped them off. Some young kindergarten kids were standing at the door holding it open for whomever was walking in. I rolled down the window and wished them a great day with a few "I love you's" exchanged and headed home.
As I drove east towards our sleepy little town, I was thinking about the conference and wished I could be there but was OK. It's 13 miles to our house from school and my driver's seat has often been my place of quiet. Of stillness. Of prayer.
I changed the radio to the Christian station, looking for something to fill me for the day. The lyrics came across....
"I don't need my name in lights...."
"I am precious in my Father's eyes...."
"He knows my name..."
The God who sees....
He sees me. Me. Now. On this two lane country road that I still baffle on how we got here. He is here. And He smiles upon me and this day in my life with Him. He is here. Working in and through this crazy life. He has not forgotten me. Us. His purposes.
I was thinking about this season of my life. The quiet has been both a blessing and a curse. There are parts of me that have become glaringly evident that are in need of a touch from His hand. There are many days when I feel so obscure and distant here. Away from the life I used to live and the mission I have felt I was on.
The quiet makes so much room to hear though. IF I don't fight it. IF I listen. IF I pay attention.
I immediately thought about our kids. They are the frontline love and purpose of my days. I wondered if because of love poured into them daily if it will make it easier to fully embrace the love of God. If they know, I mean really know they are loved as they are by their mom and dad they see everyday will it be easier to fully drink in the love of God whom they cannot see?
I wondered if when they are worried about the things grade school kids get worried about and we are here to listen and truly care about what's bothering them will they embrace God's word "Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you..."?
I wondered if when they are hungry and a snack or dinner's ready will they remember His words, "Do not worry about what you will eat or what you will wear... for your Heavenly Father knows you need these things"?
I wondered if when they feel afraid of whatever and they can know we are present will they embrace His truths "Do not be afraid"... "I am with you wherever you go"?
I wondered if when we celebrate their birthdays. Their special day. Will it be easier for them to drink in the depth of truth "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". "Knit together in the secret place."?
As their mom and Matt as their dad, we really do get set the stage for them to personally and on their own discover the God who is crazy about them.
As I was driving by the c-store, I remembered His words...... "He is not so unjust as to forget the work and love you do in His name."
The God who sees. Who doesn't forget. Who meets with me in the quiet. On long country roads. Who reminds me again He is still doing His thing. Wherever He chooses. Wherever hearts are that seek Him.
I'm going to miss being in Chicago today. But there will be other times. And I'm thankful for His constant reach of love to me when I feel so far.
He is so very good.
