Tears at 2:30 a.m.

My feelings find words when I write. My thoughts find a center when I type them out on a blank white page.

 

I am up at 2:30 a.m. which is not that unusual. I cannot sleep throughout the night anymore. It began long before Matt began working out of town. Sometime between 1 - 4 a.m. I will find myself awake, on the couch, unable to sleep. I usually kill time by watching a taped movie or checking out my Facebook page. I don't usually do anything that will require much energy because I am looking to slowly drift back to sleep until my busy days wake me.

 

Tonight is different. Today was a very hard day in this transition. In this move. We've been so consumed with decisions and counter offers on our home and packing and sorting and planning. It's been a year and a half of waiting to see what our next step will be. Waiting to see if we will find a home to reunite us as a family and put us under the same roof. Living daily in this constant wait is like dancing with your shoe laces tied to each other. You can take a step but not too big of one. So you dance but stand still at the same time.

 

Today it was incredibly difficult to think about leaving and moving. I cannot even begin to express how hard it will be to leave my family. In the season of life my parents are in, it has even felt almost sinful to be leaving. My sister's kids are my kids' best friends. We will miss the daily conversation of when we will get to see Logan and Isabel that week.

 

I have walked through our home of more than 9 years and as much as many times I've complained about the stained carpet which I always wanted to replace with hard wood, or the walled in kitchen which I wanted to open up by tearing down the center wall, as much as I see the things I've wanted to change, I see the  home we made. Not a perfect one by any means. I've had so far my toughest motherhood tests here, often times of which I failed. Matt and I have gone through the tunnel of chaos countless times as we work through conflict and the journey of marriage. But our home has been a place where we have opened the door to friends and family. Two of my sisters and brothers have lived for significant amounts of times here. We have had numerous poolside BBQ's with close friends and family. My kids learned how to ride their bikes on the driveway in one day by their dad.

 

It was a tough day walking around our home. It is wonderfully spacious from the extra rooms to the insanely large garage. My husband who is unfairly talented redid our bathroom which took 6 months. Every cut in every piece of tile was precise and exact. Matt did so much renovation in this home. Fixed so many things. Endured patiently while I tried to pick out paint colors for bedroom which I always second guessed immediately after the walls were done, but then the colors grew on me once again.

 

In the same way I spent the day second guessing our decision to move. Even though the process has been long in the making, the reality of it which is so close now made me wonder if we are doing the right thing. Should we have waited a little longer for the market to rebound more. How do I leave my father who is in his late years and my mom who is caring for him so faithfully. Pulling the kids from their cousins and leaving the friendship of my sister. The kids have become friends with other kids. Cosette is in her final year of the only school she has ever known. So many doubts flooded my mind today and I could not turn it off.

 

Then tonight, in the middle of the night while the kids sleep and the movie plays, I imagined us staying here and Matt continue to work out of town coming home every 6-8 weeks or so and I immediately began to cry. Sob. A nose running-tears falling-Kleenex needing cry. I don't want to live like this anymore even though it means life changing and painful sacrifices. I want to see my husband walk through the door at the end of the day. I want to talk with him and share mundane stories of our days. I want to see the kids wrestle and play and Cole to follow him around while Matt fixes things or tunes up the quads. I want to see Corinne jump on him and demand a piggy back ride. I want to smell his coffee brewing in the early mornings and smell his popcorn cooking on the stove at night. I want to watch American Pickers and CBS Sunday Mornings with him. I want the chance to stand in the middle of the kitchen and hug him whenever I want while the kids pull us apart to be able to squeeze in between.

 

As painful as it is and how crazy it seems to leave this beautiful place which we have called home for so long, as difficult as it will be to pull away from the curb and our daily interaction with my family and friends, I cannot imagine another year like this one. Maybe our time away won't be forever or long. I don't know. But the tears in the wee hours today tell me and convince me again to take this step and continue the journey of being a family together.

 

 

Moving Sales and Memories

We are in the process of packing up 9 years of our life at 180 W. Mulberry. Packing is so much more than putting stuff in boxes. Well, at least it is for this sentimental semi-hoarder. We had 2 moving sales this past weekend and will have one more. In the mean time, as Matt is away, it is my primary responsibility to sort through and put things into 3 piles. Save, Sell, Give away. Our yard sales are funding our travel expenses to our new home in Ryder, North Dakota.

 

 

Yard Sale Stuff

 

This is the easy pile. These are all the things accumulated along the way of life that is no longer of use, is outdated, unwanted and the excess loads of our lives. So many times stuff just finds it way into your home and needs to be purged. Things at the time we thought we needed or wanted no longer have their appeal or usefulness. Clothes begin here and then wll move to the givewaway pile. Toys the kids have outgrown and don't have sentimental value belong here. Leftover stuff. Yard sale stuff allows our old stuff to become someone else's new find.

Yard sales are fun to do and watch. People are funny. Interesting.

 

You get the drive-bys, who simply drive up, stay in their car as they scour your sale seeing if there is anything worth getting out for. I have to be honest. These people often hurt my feelings. "What? My junk isn't good enough for you?" :-)

 

You get the browsers. People out for their morning walk and stop and visit and look through your stuff.

 

You get the talkers. People who have no intention of buying anything but want to stop and visit since you are outside.

 

You get the bargain hunters that no matter how low you price something, it's gotta go lower. "50 cents is simply too much for that winter coat. I'll give you a quarter." These people drive me crazy as I never have been looking to make a mint on a yard sale, but c'mon.

 

Then you get the people yard sales are for. These are my favorite. People who truly need some new things and need a bargain. I have been here before and I not ashamed to say needed a bargain myself. They look for clothes for their kids or grandkids. Toys. A bike. Kitchen table. Those interactions with people make us glad to help in these hard times. I do also think that bargain is the new cool. :-) I never put out broken items or clothes that are ratted or torn. I feel it's insulting. It's giving some else your garbage. People of all shapes and sizes come and look through and pick out stuff. My favorite is when children come and gravitate to our "everything is 25 cents" box of unused toys. I remember watching our kids play with them and my kids still love to yard sale with me and find amazement in little things.

 

One man this past weekend was shopping and then began to tell us his story. You can tell who lives at the home of the yard sale based on the books they are selling. My table was filled with Christian books and weight loss manuals. Pretty well sums up my life. :-) He was looking at the books and was telling us his battle with stage 4 cancer. The doctors had given him a year to live. He had told us about the radiation treatments he had and how much weight he had lost. But then he began to gain the weight back and he knew he had a second shot at life. He and his girlfriend go on their own to a nearby nursing/retirement center and visit with the people there. They always like to bring them something to lift their spirits and he was looking at some little trinkets representing faith. He bought a couple of things for about 50 cents and then we looked through the table together and  we gave him all the little devotional books we could find so he could pass them out. He was truly grateful.

 

He said, "I just want to give back."

 

Loved it. Remembered it. Want to emulate it.

 

 

Giveaway Stuff

 

Another easy one. Let's be honest. Giveaway stuff is usually everything we don't sell. We box it up and drop it off at the local Goodwill truck where volunteers sit and wait on Saturday and Sunday evenings for all the yard sale people to come by.

 

Sunday night, exhausted from the two day sale we had, I took all the clothes, shoes, purses and hats we didn't sell and bagged them up. We had about 5 large black garbage bags full. Corinne, my 7 year old and I drove over to the Goodwill truck by the K-Mart and found the faithful volunteers, I assume,  in their blue Goodwill vests waiting for drop off donations. As I drove up next to the truck, the men graciously began to unload our heavy bags with a smile and kind disposition. As we talked, I wondered about their stories. Wondered if they were once receipiants of kindness to get them through a rough time. What makes another person look to meet the needs of another? Here they are. Volunterring for an organization known to meet the needs of the underresourced. In the hot sun of Vegas, they smile and assist and do what they can for others. Corinne and I talked on the way home about Goodwill and the reality is that many people are hurting and are dependent upon the kindness of strangers.That it is right to share. To give. It reflects God who is the Ultimate Giver who gave everything in His Son Jesus. Those Goodwill men making it happen and by their very presence in the parking lot remind everyone who drives by to look to meet the needs of others.

 

Love it. Remembered it. Want to emulate it.

 

 

To Save Stuff

 

Here's the fun and very slow part for this sentimental heart. These are the things that tell the stories of our lives. In the back of drawers and cabinets, I am finding memories that take me all the way to high school. Memories of friendship. Faith. Pictures of people I still hold a place of importance in my heart to this day. This part I cannot rush through for it is essentially - me. I know I will be doing a great deal of reflection in the next several months about my more than 19 years in Las Vegas. I was 27 when I arrived. Single. Young. Naive. Excited. Thinner :-). I know I will ask the question to God, "Did it matter? Did it count?" and in my time of prayer He will show me what He wants to about these 19 years. Many things will go unknown until heaven and the tape of my life is shown from an eternal perspective, but I will seek to know. And I am confident that the faces of people whom I treasure will immediately come to mind. I will remember people who took me in and fed me. People whom I served with and went to foreign countries with. Students who are now parents themselves  whom I loved like they were my own. People whom I only crossed paths with for a moment to pray in times of need or prayed with me and encouraged me. Couples whom I had the privilege of performing their marriage. Families of those who passed away and I officiated the services. Small groups and Bible study little communities we were a part of. BBQ's filled with laughter. Camping trips. Family gatherings and on and on and on. People. That's what I will remember. I found a cassette tape (remember those?) given to me by 2 of our guy students many many years ago. They had recorded themselves singing favorite songs to us and I think about how wonderfully silly and goofy those years were and the fact that we were such a part of their lives for them to do that makes me smile as I write now.

 

I found pictures of Matt's and my honeymoon tucked away. How new we were to this whole marriage thing and here we are. A little more worn. A little more wiser. Stronger. Humbled by the calling of marriage, yet one. That one-ness that God has done is our foundation to go on this strange new adventure together.

 

I found little notes and bookmarks made by my kids for Mom's Day or just because. Scribbly kindergarten writing to tell their mom they love her. Pictures when they were so little. Those years went by SO quickly and these pictures and tokens of love are what I have to remember and share with them THEIR life story they are writing right now.

 

Our little farm house in North Dakota will be stretched to the rafters with the "To Save" stuff I am bringing. I know Matt doesn't always understand why I cannot throw away many of these things. But maybe that's the mom's job. The mom's heart to the family. Letting the "To Save" stuff tell the family's story.

 

Yard Sale Stuff. Giveaway Stuff. To Save Stuff. It's more than stuff when love and community surround it.

 

Gotta get back to it now. :-)

A New Time and Place

Moving Sales. Two down. One more to go.

 

This past weekend we sorted through boxes and sticker-ed unnecessary belongings with little colored dots. $2. $1. 25 cents. As we haggled with strangers and neighbors over prices of no longer listened to CD's and unused toys, I was flooded with my reality. We are moving. Soon.

 

Many people in our lives have been on this almost 1 1/2 year journey with The Quillins. As I rewind the tape, I cannot believe how quickly it has passed though it has felt like some of the longest months of  my life.

 

To catch everyone up to speed, beginning in the fall of 2010 at the height of the economic bust of Las Vegas, my husband Matt began heading out of town to begin setting up business in the oh so popular travel destination of North Dakota. The company he has worked for for almost 20 years had been feeling the construction decline in Las Vegas for a couple of years now and they knew that if they didn't seek out new opportunities to re-invent themselves, they would experience the same fate of many small businesses of the late 2000's.

 

I was busy raising our three elementary school aged kids at that time, recently resigned as an event rep for a Christian conference organization. It was a very busy time and Matt's travels were short and not that life altering. I was thankful at that time that SOMETHING was beginning to happen for his work.

 

In the next several months, the trips got more involved. Longer. More frequent. In the late spring of 2011, Matt had to go for 5 weeks  to complete the construction of the "shop" as they called it. It was a huge building and Matt was primary in making it happen. In the year, they had partnered with and then bought out an oil servicing company to assist the numerous oil drilling/pumping businesses that had invaded North Dakota. A new boom was happening and it was quickly apparent that we were going to be a part of it.

 

When Matt returned, we vacationed for 3 weeks for my family's family reunion and to celebrate my parents 50th anniversary. It was an unknowing blessing and filling for me as I didn't truly realize how quickly life was about to change. We returned and the next day packed up the camper and piled into the truck and took a week long road trip to ND for him to get back to work and us to get our first glimpse of ND. Traveling through Utah, Yellowstone and Wyoming towards North Dakota is unknowingly deceiving. The gorgeous landscapes of America's mountain ranges was idyllic and gave me a patriotic pride of the land we live in.

 

As we got closer and closer to Matt's company in North Dakota, the landscape changes. It's flatter and wheat colored. Two lane roads replace the interstate. People and communities are much more spread a part. I began a wondering if I could truly see ourselves here. This wondering would continue for many many months.

 

We stopped at a nearby truck stop for some food and my kids thought it was another Disneyland. I'm amazed at the perspective and observations of children. I, on the other hand, was beginning my freak out experience. I looked around at everything and everyone and saw nothing of the familiar. Nothing felt comfortable or alluring or appealing. As Matt and the kids enjoyed their truck stop pizza like it was filet mignon, I went to the car holding back the tears just long enough to get inside.

"I can't do this", I cried to no one.... to myself... to God.

We continued on to where Matt worked and again, was struck by how different life was here. I knew I was being asked to consider something that maybe for the first time I truly didn't know if I could do.

We spent the week at the lake in a campground. The kids were in heaven. Grass and mud and lightning bugs filled their hours. No one was missing TV, DS's, or Wii. We cooked outside and endured a thunderstorm. Campfires at night filled our evenings that were so quiet. Dinners were late as the sun doesn't set in that part of the country until well past 10 p.m.. As the kids continued to play at the camp playground with other instant friends made by campsites around us, I welcomed the peaceful way of life. My parents joined us for that week and it was truly fun.

At the end of the week, Matt would move into the camper by work and I would travel home with the kids and life had changed. As I boarded the plane with the kids and said goodbye to Matt, life had turned. North Dakota was going to be a big part of our lives for a while. I came home and something felt so strange. Matt was not there. We didn't want to do this for long. I began my 1 1/2 years of semi-single parenting and began to get the house ready to sell.

Fast forward to today. House is sold at a economy-tragic low price. But sold. My parents whom we have lived with for over 9 years are looking for a place in Vegas to stay close to my sister. And we are packing. Getting ready to leave in the next few weeks. I cannot even begin to express the missing that will happen. I think we are in denial. :-)

There is much more to the story which I will unpack in the next coming months, probably more for my benefit than any others :-)

But here in the end is the truth that I have been seared with. Changed by. Grateful for.

Our God is a faithful God.

I have been SO unfaithful to Him, myself, to my family and friends. I have fallen so short and yet He has never let go. There have been many times of wondering if He is still holding us and He has never failed.

This move is not my dream move. There is not a dream job waiting for me or proximity to family and friends which I would love. This move is a trust move as we go without knowing, confident of His provision and presence.

We are going to be together as a family. We are deeply grateful for His provision in these tough times and do not take that lightly. We go to embrace adventure and new callings. We go to honor our faithful God.

I would love for anyone reading this to follow the new Quillin adventure. Much more to share.
All to recognize and honor our faithful God.