The God who sees....

Weather report: early morning frost; high in mid 40's; cloudy turning to sunny later on....

I was supposed to be on a train yesterday. Taking the Amtrak from Minot, ND to Chicago's Union Station, then catching the suburban Metra to my hometown Barrington. Just me. Looking forward to a conference I've been waiting for for several months. Whether it was sheer hope or an inadequate realization that it would be impossible for me to leave Matt and the kids for several days, I planned on going, but painfully a few weeks ago knew it wouldn't work out with me being gone. During Matt's busy work week. During Corinne's basketball season. With Cosette homeschooling this year and the Halloween activities this weekend, not to mention Ryder's infamous Turkey Day on Saturday... :-)

Now, I know it's OK for "mom" to be gone sometimes. The house won't cave in. The kids will still eat and dad will be just fine. Many times when mom's not around the kids have a special kind of fun and great memories are born out of "just dad" time. But we just couldn't make this time work.

I was and still am bummed. It's OK. But truly a disappointment.

I was looking forward to sitting in the seats in the church where I grew up and listen to world class speakers lead us into deeper understanding of our life's journey, especially seen from God's eyes. I was looking forward to sitting with my dearest friend whom I've had since my early early teens, smiling those wordless smiles because we have journeyed for so long with one another. I was looking forward to hugging my mom and dad and good food and a heavy sleep and frankly, just time with no demands for a few days.

But back here at home, the school routine began as usual. It's getting colder faster so it takes a little while longer to get ready. Cole wanted me to drive him to school this morning because he gets extra credit when we practices his trumpet in the music room before classes start. So with buttered toast and bananas in hand, we headed out for the long drive to school. We were listening to the country radio station and Corinne was talking about tomorrow's Halloween party at school. The sun was barely rising when I dropped them off. Some young kindergarten kids were standing at the door holding it open for whomever was walking in. I rolled down the window and wished them a great day with a few "I love you's" exchanged and headed home.

As I drove east towards our sleepy little town, I was thinking about the conference and wished I could be there but was OK. It's 13 miles to our house from school and my driver's seat has often been my place of quiet. Of stillness. Of prayer.

I changed the radio to the Christian station, looking for something to fill me for the day. The lyrics came across....

"I don't need my name in lights...."
"I am precious in my Father's eyes...."

"He knows my name..."

The God who sees....

He sees me. Me. Now. On this two lane country road that I still baffle on how we got here. He is here. And He smiles upon me and this day in my life with Him. He is here. Working in and through this crazy life. He has not forgotten me. Us. His purposes.

I was thinking about this season of my life. The quiet has been both a blessing and a curse. There are parts of me that have become glaringly evident that are in need of a touch from His hand. There are many days when I feel so obscure and distant here. Away from the life I used to live and the mission I have felt I was on.

The quiet makes so much room to hear though. IF I don't fight it. IF I listen. IF I pay attention.

I immediately thought about our kids. They are the frontline love and purpose of my days. I wondered if because of love poured into them daily if it will make it easier to fully embrace the love of God. If they know, I mean really know they are loved as they are by their mom and dad they see everyday will it be easier to fully drink in the love of God whom they cannot see?

I wondered if when they are worried about the things grade school kids get worried about and we are here to listen and truly care about what's bothering them will they embrace God's word "Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you..."?

I wondered if when they are hungry and a snack or dinner's ready will they remember His words, "Do not worry about what you will eat or what you will wear... for your Heavenly Father knows you need these things"?

I  wondered if when they feel afraid of whatever and they can know we are present will they embrace His truths "Do not be afraid"... "I am with you wherever you go"?

I wondered if when we celebrate their birthdays. Their special day. Will it be easier for them to drink in the depth of truth "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". "Knit together in the secret place."?

As their mom and Matt as their dad, we really do get set the stage for them to personally and on their own discover the God who is crazy about them.

As I was driving by the c-store, I remembered His words...... "He is not so unjust as to forget the work and love you do in His name."

The God who sees. Who doesn't forget. Who meets with me in the quiet. On long country roads. Who reminds me again He is still doing His thing. Wherever He chooses. Wherever hearts are that seek Him.

I'm going to miss being in Chicago today. But there will be other times. And I'm thankful for His constant reach of love to me when I feel so far.

He is so very good.

Two sides of the proverbial coin.....

(I began this post last spring.....hits home again on this Indian summer day.....)

Weather report.... Highs in the mid 80's; chance of severe storms late... greattttttt.....:-))))


One of the blessings of the quieter life here in rural North Dakota is the ability to think, reflect, and write..... to this innately over thinker, over emote-er, and over analyzer, that blessing comes with the other side of the coin, the curse of the quiet. I find myself so often OVER thinking, OVER feeling, and OVER analyzing. Like the peeling away at an onion until all layers are gone and you have nothing left except headaches and weariness which leads back to the blessing of the quiet places - naps. :-)



I have neglected writing over the past few weeks. Or I should say, I've neglected finishing and posting about our life here in Ryder. Many reasons for it but probably the best one is that it does not demand at me. It sits here and waits for me to come and be quiet and still myself for a couple of hours. It is a new love of mine, to write. Well, actually that's not completely true. I've journaled a lot since I was young in high school. I've kept daily journals and prayer journals and journals of quotes, song lyrics, and precious words of a friend or mentor throughout my life. I've started other blogs with some success, but this one has meant a lot to me as I try to capture this crazy new life we've chosen. I believe in my soul that everyday there is something to gain and to give. I believe everyday is a day of this life God gave to us to show us something about Him and ourselves and the world we are present in. I believe that but I don't often live that, in all honesty. However, I've learned that when I sit and write and reflect, even on my worst days, there was something I was given and hopefully gave.

Writing does not demand at me like the daily responsibilities of being a mom and wife and friend. It does not demand at me like a sink full of dishes and loads of laundry so my family doesn't need to turn underwear inside out. It does not demand of me of the oh-so-long-list of things to get done. The choice to sit down and write does not demand of me like immediate needs. Writing will demand of me other things, and so often I don't sit down. It will demand of me time, honesty, and truth.....and so often I just don't want to go there. But today I will....:-)

This morning as I was washing the neglected dishes in the sink from the day before, my journey of mid life I've been traveling on for the past several months came to the forefront of my mind. I've been thinking a lot about my life and my choices and the people of my life. It's not always an easy journey of reflection for me and I shouldn't do it alone as my human nature so often leads me to the reminder of where I do not measure up. Or have messed up. Or could have done it better. Or could have been better. I wish it were not so and even though I've been blessed with treasured people, some life successes to encourage me, and undeniable truths of how good God is to me, my default restore is this nagging sense of shortcomings. I'm working on it with good people but it's real. So as I was washing dishes as the kids slept in this Saturday and Matt headed to the office, I was thinking about how so often in the experience of life, it IS our struggles, our failures, our inadequacies....our humanness is what often speaks the loudest and is most real. That the things in our lives that we MOST don't want anyone to know or do our best to cover up or make up for can be the very thing that brings the most life to ourselves and others.

Now, I'm not saying, "misery loves company" and for sure am not endorsing a defeatist mindset. What I am saying is that it's time to take off the fear of really letting ourselves and our lives be known to safe and good people and quit working so hard to try to make up for where we feel we have fallen short or when life isn't as easy or victorious as we would like to portray. It's time for me.

I was thinking through the stories of the great people of faith and there's always another side to the coin in their walk of faith with God. Noah built the ark, but also was drunk. Abraham "went without knowing" and became the father of the Jewish nation "in whom all will be blessed" but slept with his wife's maid in a moment of faithlessness to God's promise. David killed Goliath then committed adultery and gave orders for murder. Moses led the people out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea but struck the rock and never entered the promised land. Peter walked on water and cut off the Roman soldiers ear to protect Jesus and then denied Him just a few short hours later. Paul wrote 1/3 of the New Testament but suffered more greatly than any other scripture writer and died a martyr's death.

The paradoxes of our life in faith are real. Not wasted or unimportant or to be denied. In fact there's some comfort knowing that life, and life in faith is not an unending ride to glory but full of pitfalls and heartbreaks and the unplanned. I'm sure no one would disagree but here's the point I've had to admit about myself. I don't want you to know that about me. I don't want to share the pain and doubts and regrets. I don't. However, and here's the paradox, I have found in letting others into those places, I've experienced the greatest sense of love and grace and community. Plus, the transformational truth that we are not alone and were created for one another.

It's not for the faint of heart, walking in authenticity. I would rather you remember my talk at the leadership retreat that you told me you loved and not know immediately afterwards I went to my car and cried because I felt I failed and did not bring my best. I want you to be encouraged by our family's adventure of faith in our move here and not know how many times I have cried in depression or grief over all we left and see my doubts on our decision. I want you to smile at my postings of encouragement on Facebook and not see the wrestling for hope that I did that morning. I want you to read my words of real truths I came to know but not know the process of getting there that humbled me and showed my real lack of faith I carry most days. I want you to receive my heart's desire to be there and serve in anyway and not see my struggle with selfishness. But if I hide the second part of those stories, I cannot be known. I cannot know you. And community doesn't happen. And hope is not shared.

I remember celebrating with so many on the announcement of our first pregnancy only to have to a few days later stand before those same friends and share the heartbreak of our miscarriage. But it was after sharing our loss, I had some of the deepest encounters with so many who went through it, were still in grief, and for some never had spoken of the loss.

I remember being asked to speak on gentleness and kindness and goodness in a series on the fruit of the Spirit for a mom's group and instead of speaking about how we can incorporate these qualities more in our roles as moms, I shared my story of my struggles with depression after my kids were born and how I am learning how gentle and kind and good God really is. I knew it wasn't what the leaders were expecting but it was my story. I felt I had let the ladies down. But after that talk as soon as I got off stage, a woman came to me and just hugged me tight without saying a word and just cried for 10 minutes because of her silent struggle.

I remember sharing the story of the real struggle early in Matt's and my marriage and the truth of clinging to the hope that God would be faithful to us. The conversations that followed were more full of honest and hopeful encouragement than any stories of endless (and untrue) wine and roses. :-)

I can think of the blog posts I have written that were very raw that I didn't have the courage for anyone to see.

So I wondered this morning in the midst of cleaning if those admissions of my life, those things I don't want anyone to know, are more full of life than any seeming "success" story I would rather tell. The ones that make me feel better or important but leave me with a sense of disconnection, with myself, others, and God. I wondered why God chooses to use to the darker places of our lives, the challenges and the struggles more sometimes. It may seem obvious but I often miss it because I don't want the answer....

The more I try to impress you, the more you are less impressed. The more I hide me, the less can be known between us. And love is not possible absent of being known. Fear is the reason we hide. I'm afraid of what happens between us when I am before you real and known. That's the risk. The love risk. I risk not being received by you. But I also risk not being loved by you.

"Perfect love casts our fear... " the scripture writer tells us. His perfect love makes it possible. For us and between us.

It's OK. Flip that coin. Let love come.





in life is found.

New seasons, listening, and saying goodby to Superwoman......

Weather report - Highs in high 50's - low 60's; occasional rain.

It is Sunday and we have been home in our little farmhouse this afternoon. Matt continues to renovate and help me make this house feel home-y and warm. We decided for as along as we are here we want to make ourselves comfy at home and a place where we would like to come to. So there's new, brown speckled carpet throughout the first floor which is soft and hides the country earth so well. Our bathroom has a fresh coat of paint and Matt expanded our bedroom (don't ask me how) so it's become a great extra hang out place.:-). The front porch that is almost the width of the house seems to expand the living room and there's a garage now that will make this winter an entirely different experience. :-)

Yesterday it rained like I haven't seen before. Literal non stop rain from sunup to sundown. Our rural roads became soft and trenches formed from tire tracks. With all the building in the front of the house, there's no real grass but just dirt and lots of it. With the rain, the dirt has  softened and deepened with thick, clay-like mud that one could very easily lose their flip flop in. (I know this from personal experience :-). The days are noticeably shorter and the cooler weather reminds us that winter is not that far off. And it's ok. It's been a long summer with warm days and lots of activity. I have short term memory loss of winter. I don't remember feeling cold right at this moment. I do remember feeling closed in. I remember feeling stuck inside for months because the outside was too overwhelming to be in. That's what I do not welcome in the next few months. But for today? I drink in the green... :-)

This season is new and uncharted in my life. Cosette is being homeschooled for her 7th grade year; I've put my Master's program on hold; and I find myself longing to simplify. I don't know how it will all be played out in my life but I know it will have impact on how I'm energized and how I guard my heart. It's also a term that has gotten so overused. It has so often referred to organizing systems and checklists and cute little Pottery Barn spice racks in the kitchen. For me in the past, simplifying felt like stripping away every extra activity so I can manage the absolute essentials. Kids. House. Hubby. Anything else, even personally restful things and personal callings all took second chair in order to "simplify" and.....manage. I love my family but I have, truthfully, felt more like a manager than a mother at times. I felt like I got through my day, but I never felt like I fully lived that day. I felt accomplished in my to do lists and tasks, but emptier at the end of the day. The work horse mentality in me got fed but the heart was left starving. I don't think that's what it means to "simplify".

This season, I am responding to the small, quiet, constant nudges of my soul. That place that reminds me I was created for something more than just effort and endless stuff to do. It's not something I have listened to much in my life, in all honesty. I have a "not enough" voice that speaks a lot louder. It tells me that I am important, worthwhile, and dare I say, loved if I am all things to all people, accomplished, have-it-all-together. I even battle that in my life as a Christ follower. God has often been seen not as the Lover of my soul but the one keeping the treadmill set. So I respond to every need, every daily demand, stretched thin, exhausted, and yet not being able to silence the "not enough".  But you can only do that for so long. I have a longing to listen to my life better. To live, contribute, and love according to the truest sense of me. To respond to the dreams and pulls and instincts of my soul.

This season I'm choosing not to get a better calendar or time management system. I'm choosing not to figure out how to get more done in my day. This season I'm choosing to listen.

Our time here in North Dakota has been used to bring me to this new place. I can't explain why but I think part of it is because there is very little to silence out the yearning of my heart. There's not a lot going on. Not many people. Not many lures. I can hear a little clearer.

I know I'm in for a fight :-) I have said that I feel pulled in so many directions yet honestly,  I'm not pulled. I run to those places and people where I can show up, reveal my Superwoman costume and save the day. I like that role. I like how it fills me. Yet it empties me just as fast. And in the end it doesn't help those I love. They don't get stretched and they get me, emptier with less to offer. The fight to reconnect with what my life is really saying is daily and relentless. Thankfully, a Voice greater speaks as I give Him ears to hear.

"I have come so that you may have life, in all its fullness....", the Good Shepherd speaks.

"You are fearfully and wonderfully made...", the Father instills.

"Our hearts are restless until they have found their rest in You....." the ancient writer St. Augustine reminds.

It's lonely here in Ryder, ND. Maybe there's more in the loneliness than I thought. Maybe in this place where the stars are so evident in the dark sky, the listening is better in this quiet.

It's a good thing. I pray for courage to live more fully with what I hear.


May we all.........