O Come Let Us Adore Him.....

It wasn't our best Sunday ever. In fact, it started out pretty crappy.

 

I don't really know all the reasons why I was in the low state, but there I was. We showed up at church late and tired. It took us a little while to get everyone ready in our current state of one bathroom and I only had time to throw my hair up in a loose pony tail and put on some jeans. I'm not one who likes being late anywhere but today I was just glad we made it. There have been other busy Sundays in our family when we chose to stay home instead of connecting with church and I've always regretted it. So this morning I wanted to go and no matter how and when we get there, I hoped it would make a difference.

 

Fortunately we found a parking spot right out front and as we rushed in, we could hear the voices inside singing "Go Tell It On the Mountain".  I smiled as I thought about this country church we had just connected with. I remember that song growing up and it brought good memories back. I walked up the stairs to the sanctuary feeling a little off but we were blessed by a friend who warmly greeted us at the door. We sat in the back pew and tried to shift gears quickly from our rush of the morning to the worship that was beginning. This was a morning where I would be in huge receiving mode. I just wanted to drink in the service and prayed for a change of heart from the tired and low mood I was experiencing. Christmas was harder than I anticipated this year. We had made our move and overall I've been amazed and proud of our little family how we have flowed with all the change. But this would be our first Christmas far from any family and Christmas was always a big deal at our house. The recent tragic loss of life and fears we as a nation have journeyed through also made me feel far from so much of the familial.

So there I was... doing my best to lead out in our family the joy of the season and found myself not doing a great job. Our friend who leads worship then began leading the church in "O Come All Ye Faithful". As I was mentally and emotionally trying to shift gears, we came to the chorus, "O come let us adore Him."

O come. Come. Adore Him. ADORE Him. Him. Jesus.

I grabbed my kids' hands with one hand and put my other arm over Cosette's shoulder. Time stopped as I stayed with that chorus in my heart.

O come let us adore Him.

I imagined the little baby in the manger. The reason we sing. Why we gather and give this season. Why the world changes its tune from Thanksgiving to December 25th. I am one of the reasons why He came. This morning I was painfully aware of all that I wasn't. I was acutely in tune with my weakness and struggle. Sadness and loss. Sin and brokenness. This little baby we were singing about came for all of it. For all of us. For the places in all of us that feels there has to be more. For the grief and regrets.  For this crazy, irrational, unjust world that is capable of great evil. He came.

"O come let us adore Him", the song beckons.

I felt my heart breaking and softening again because of that great truth. And I was thankful.

We have a lot of fun things planned to live these next couple of days with joy. But today I am grateful that I was seized again by the baby in the manger. Seized by the Love that sent Him. Grateful for grace and do-overs.

I wish I could write that the rest of the day was stress free and perfect but it wasn't. But that's not the point I got that morning from the Spirit of Love. This morning, God by His love met me in MY reality which changed because of THE reality that Love has come.

For unto us a Child is born.
A Son is given.
And He shall be called,
Wonderful.
Counselor.
The Mighty God.
The Everlasting Father.

The Prince of Peace.

It is for this reason I wish the world "Merry Christmas".

 

A Time for Mourning....

The sun rose again this morning. Here in rural Ryder, ND, the frost is covering everything leaving behind this white, feathery beauty admist the sunny ice blue sky.

 

The sun rose again yet the world has changed... again.

 

This afternoon we are attending the funeral of a previous co-worker of Matt's who took his life late Monday evening. He is leaving behind his wife and 2 of his kids are classmates of my children.

 

Yesterday morning the entire country went sent into shock and grief and was left speechless by the senseless slaying of 27 innocent people including 20 children. Children. I can barely write the words without my stomach turning in response to the reality.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday of this past week my kids' school was put into lock down because five juvenile detainees had assaulted a correctional officer and escaped from Bismark to somewhere in ND, later found in Fargo and Minot.

 

This all after the shooting in the Oregon mall as people were just out trying to make the most of the Christmas season.

 

And this morning I heard of a shooting at the Excalibur in Las Vegas, not 15 minutes from where we used to live as a man shot a concierge and then took his life.

 

I am a mix of emotions and responses today. I am weary of the pain and evil that has surrounded all of us. I am angry by the senseless of it all. I am deeply deeply sad. I am disgusted by the way that some are taking all of this for a platform for their own agenda gain thus clouding the opportunity for REAL discussion for REAL change for the good of this society. I am depressed by it all.

 

Yet I must get up and live today. I listened to as much as I could of the unfolding new reports out of Newtown, CT. Then the kids woke and we turned the TV to a rerun of Miracle on 34th Street. We have not yet told them about the shooting and to be honest, not sure if we will. Some may disagree but do I put a thought into their minds that isn't there right now and put an inkling of fear about going to school? I just don't think I do right now.

 

So we made breakfast together and enjoyed a lazy Saturday morning together as I held my feelings in check.

 

For so many, like my friend who is now preparing to go to her husband's funeral and 27 homes in Connecticut who woke up without a precious child or loved one there anymore today, the world has changed. Turned upside down and inside out without explanation or sense.

 

Tomorrow we must move from this place and find our next steps as communities and as a nation. Tomorrow we must respond to this mess with wisdom and action and good. Tomorrow we must go on.

 

Today we mourn.

 

One Month Later.....

I wrote this right before Thanksgiving......:-)

Weather report - Sunny with highs in the mid 40's. Mild weather throughout the Thanksgiving weekend. :-)

It's been just over a month since we jumped into our overpacked U-Haul and Yukon and headed north to our new home in Ryder, ND. As I sit here looking east throughout our living room plate glass window, I have a strange mixture of emotions and thoughts. Mostly, I have a sense of rest. I cannot believe it's only been a month since we have been there. And I cannot believe how much we have adapted and embraced our new community. More than a year ago, Matt brought us here to show us his work and we camped at the lake. I knew there was a possibility we may come and at the time it was unthinkable to me. Amazing to me what a year and a half can do in the heart and soul.

 

I've spent my life in church. First, a liturgical church in my childhood where I first learned about God, then a church plant turned mega church where I came to faith and was blessed with an incredible foundation, community and passion for the church, then moved to work at an urban transitioned church in the nation's most rapidly growing city and then a deep worshipful bible teaching church. Now God has led us to a church whose membership is more than the population of our town, filled with warm faithful families and led by a passionate couple led to North Dakota by faith. And all I can say is that it feels right for us right now.

 

Each day, a little bit more feels right and I am thankful, but strangely enough I am also fearful. I am fearful that I am changing as I don't recognize much of my old life. I am fearful that even as I enjoy the quiet of this new community, I am away in obscurity. The pace of my heart has slowed to a more balanced, kinder way and although I am thankful, I worry if I am escaping from the real demands and pressures of this world. It's very hard to explain and I haven't fully dissected it but those are the impressions of my heart right now.

 

I've committed myself to my kids' world to help them get settled and at peace about this new place we've been led to and I sit amazed at how they have gotten excited about bus rides and night searches for wild bunnies. Friendships have formed quickly. They have gone from a place of constant sunny skies and the coolest temps would run around 50 degrees to a place of snow, wind chills and long underwear and they have not skipped a beat. I'll be keeping my eyes and heart on them as these rapid changes may reveal themselves in other ways, but I'm proud of them and love them deeper and deeper each day.

So that's where we sit one month later.

Together.
Adjusting.
Welcomed.
Home.
 

 

Lessons Learned (and learning)

(Began this post on the 16th)

Weather Report - Partly Cloudy, High of 68, 20% chance of rain. (I've come to learn that most days there is a 20% chance of rain :-)

Some things I have learned in this remote place we have come to call home. Some things have been pressed upon me and some things I have stumbled across.

The sun rises around 7:45 a.m. here....
Almost an hour later than in Nevada where we just came. The kids', or I should say my girls have begun school. Cole has stomach flu just in time to not begin school so he's home with me in the quiet. I wake the girls up by 6:30 which gives us just enough time to get dressed, wash and brush hair and teeth and put something hearty in their tummies for breakfast. I've never been a morning person so I didn't like getting them up that early in the dark, but they have risen with an energy and day embracing attitude I haven't seen before. Prayerfully it will last :-)

The sun sets around 8 p.m. Still....
Even this late into Autumn. I welcome the longer days as it seems to slow the pace.

Do not go anywhere without your car charger for your phone....
Yesterday we had to make a run into Minot because of Cole's nonstop vomiting. Run is a loose word as it is 45 minutes into "town", as we call it, along two lane road through acres and acres of farmland. I only had about 1/2 of battery service left and we didn't know how long we would be. This lesson will be very necessary when the weather turns bad. (Or I will just choose to stay home :-)

Always have your gas tank filled at least 1/2 to full....
Gas stations are miles apart and there is not much recourse if you run out.

Planning is necessary....
No longer can you think just a day at a time for life's necessities. Trips into the little next town grocery are long so don't waste time and monies by not planning ahead. Truly make a list and prepare.

Slippers are wonderful. Enough said :-)....

Clothing choices are based on warmth and comfort first, style second :-)....

Mail is wonderful to send and receive....

Kids are strong, when foundations are laid well....
I do not take credit for being the only contribution to my kids' grounding. Extended family and friends. Church and school have invested well. And God has them deeper and more surely than I have prayed for. I can see the fruit of all of it now as we have moved them far away from all that they are comfortable with. They have embraced our little farmhouse choosing to find joy in the little cubbies that lead to the attic instead of seeing the dated carpet. They have already explored the nearby farm fields and rode their quads freely instead of focusing on our little TV in the family room. They have smiled and made friends at a school that only sees new kids once a year or so. They have shown a courage and joy I have hoped for.

People are vital and essential....
I've always known this but I have been tempted at low times in my life to withdraw. To not be present. But people and relationships are supreme. Not just in this rural place but whereever life leads us all. In storms, both figurative and literal, community is our survival. Laughter and love given freely. Kindnesses of an invitation to dinner or Halloween party. Picking up an item at the store or a smile on the street. Conversations that flow freely without pretense or competition. With the reality that communities can be miles apart from one another, the truth that we are reliant and dependent upon one another has become glaringly apparant and not to be dismissed.

Long car rides are good....
Living miles from school and town leaves us a lot of time in the car. Remember road trips as a kid? What did we do? We talked and played games and told stories. These are everyday moments now as we travel the long country roads to our destination. Yes, the kids get antsy at times and arguments over where someone's feet can be do occur. But we look out the window and look for pheasant or old farm houses we challenge Matt to restore. We tell stories of school happenings. Matt and I get to talk. Really talk, like when we were dating. In the distance and lack of traffic, we all are confined together relating and listening. And it is good.

Welcome the quiet....
The quiet is rich and heavy here. At another season of my life I may have found it boring or unstimulating. But quietness whether we create it or it is all around us is purposeful and necessary. We live on the edge of town and so our backyard faces the miles of farmland behind us. Very little traffic flows through here except for the school bus or the mailman who drives a small station wagon with yellow caution lights on top, Very little noise except for the elements outside or Molly, our yellow lab, barking to come inside to say she's had enough of the wind. Admist this quiet, my heart is resting. The necessary soul processes are finding room and time to sort and settle. I am finding I was not that great at daily creating this quiet place in my life in all the places I've lived. I have allowed demands and my own tendency to ignore vital callings of my soul in place of busyness and false sense of purpose to squeeze it out. Now I am here and quiet is forced upon me and I have welcomed it. I believe that God has lead me to the quiet. More on this later but I have come to embrace and see no matter where we live, this is necessary and good.


These are just the beginnings of my lessons learned from this first week in Ryder. I want to commit to this journey to see the depth and meaning and mostly the very Hand of God in our lives. That is my prayer. To have the eyes and time to drink deeply of His moving and presence.

In this most unexpected place, I want to find Him in ways I couldn't or didn't before.

I'm learning :-)

381 Corona Street

We rolled into little Ryder, North Dakota which sits in the center of miles and miles of farmland. It's fall right now so the trees are bare from losing all their leaves and it was cloudy as we drove in almost at sunset. It has a mixture of farm houses and mobile homes on little plots of land. Off to the side, I caught the glimpse of some kind of business which we will check out tomorrow. A young adolescent wrapped in a black hoodie waved to us as we drove in. You don't see that a whole lot. :-)

I saw the U-Haul turn into this grassy yard and I immediately recognized the large pines on the side of the farm house I've only seen in pictures for over 7 months now. We are home. Home for right now. Home for a few years. Home.

I parked and Cole and Corinne already wrapped from head to toe in new winter clothes we bought in Wyoming, ran with the house keys in their hands and went inside. Cosette and I looked at each other and laughed and some tears fell and we laughed as Matt came to our window. He's been here for over 2 months now, renovating, moving walls and staircases around. He's already made the transition. Home  to him hasn't been our house in Henderson for over a year as he has spent significantly more time in North Dakota than Nevada. But for us, this is new.

As we got out, Cosette shuffled through the dried fallen leaves with her crutches and walking boot and I followed behind her to the back door which leads into the kitchen. Newly nailed drywall was seen everywhere. Matt's been working. He showed me how he removed a wall and opened up the kitchen which is now more than twice it's original size. Dated decorations lined the upper edge of the wall paper and green appliances reminded us of the age of our home. It was built in 1917 and the previous owner had lived there since 1959. I'm sure my decor from our previous home shows resemblances of the late '90's as well. :-)

Matt showed us around and it is bigger than I imagine. We had our living room furniture already in place which was a nice view of our previous home. A reminder that not everything is so new. As Matt proudly toured us around, I had a flood of thoughts and emotions. Many I had to keep in check because I was acutely aware that my kids were watching me and my responses and how I responded to everything would deeply affect how they received everything as well. Cole and Corinne began their scavenger hunt around the house and delighted in the steep narrow stairs which they hope to turn into a slide someday. They braved the basement downstairs and felt the cool chill only basements in the Midwest can produce. They went out side and threw dried leaves around and some at each other having a ball and I was thankful.

Cosette hobbled around and we showed her her new room which has a little cubby that leads into a section of the attic. It is quaint and cozy.

 

We spent the next several hours moving boxes into any space that would hold them. Matt's employees came by to help unload. One of them, Tony has lived his entire life in Ryder and through his gregarious personality, he welcomed us and did his best to make us feel at ease. Tony looks like most of the men here. Baseball cap and sweatshirt. Jeans and work boots. But his friendly and I-feel-like-I've-known-you-all-my-life demeanor draws you to him immediately.

 

As we talked, he asked me if we go to church. This was not a question I would have assumed he would ask. I told him yes and we are visiting a few in the next few weeks. I asked him if he was connected anywhere and he said, "No, but I'm very open. I'm very open." We talked about where we are visiting and hoped his family would join us. That short little conversation seemed to remind me that bigger things are going on besides new homes and new jobs. We'll see where God takes us with some new friends.

 

At night, we snuggled Cole and Corinne in their room with mattresses on the floor and about 15 blankets on top of them. Matt came up for hugs and kisses good night which he has not been able to do nightly for almost 1 1/2 years. His presence and love infuse a confidence in the kids that is undeniable. I am thankful. He went into Cosette's room and did the same. When he left, Cosette teared up softly and said, "I don't know this room. I don't have any memories here." We laid together and cried a little and talked about that reality and that together we are going to make some more. That God had this  and for however long He has us here, that she will never be alone. I laid there with her until she fell asleep and carefully made the trip down the steep narrow stairs lit up only by nightlights.

 

My heart grew heavy for her and I prayed that God would do only what He can do in her heart. That she would take this adventure with us, remembering we are together and God is near. Cosette has always needed to come to things in her own time. You could never rush her but when she was ready, she would take on the world. I love that 10 year old with a love that surpasses understanding.

 

As I climbed into bed in our new room snuggled under layers of blankets, Matt laughed at me and gave me a hug. I smiled as I thought of how Cole and Corinne embraced this new tiny little home with interesting facets and their joy comforted me.

 

So we are here. For now. For who knows how long. My carpets are brown-orange. My appliances are avocado. My living room walls have brown panelling I haven't seen since my childhood home. These things I can live with. Us being apart for that long was something I couldn't. So we are here. Open and ready to see what God blesses with.

 

Feel free to write or visit although we are in air mattress mode for any visitors :-). But praying that Love reigns and Laughter fills and Grace flows. That is my prayer for 381 Corona Street, Ryder, ND 58779.

Tears at 2:30 a.m.

My feelings find words when I write. My thoughts find a center when I type them out on a blank white page.

 

I am up at 2:30 a.m. which is not that unusual. I cannot sleep throughout the night anymore. It began long before Matt began working out of town. Sometime between 1 - 4 a.m. I will find myself awake, on the couch, unable to sleep. I usually kill time by watching a taped movie or checking out my Facebook page. I don't usually do anything that will require much energy because I am looking to slowly drift back to sleep until my busy days wake me.

 

Tonight is different. Today was a very hard day in this transition. In this move. We've been so consumed with decisions and counter offers on our home and packing and sorting and planning. It's been a year and a half of waiting to see what our next step will be. Waiting to see if we will find a home to reunite us as a family and put us under the same roof. Living daily in this constant wait is like dancing with your shoe laces tied to each other. You can take a step but not too big of one. So you dance but stand still at the same time.

 

Today it was incredibly difficult to think about leaving and moving. I cannot even begin to express how hard it will be to leave my family. In the season of life my parents are in, it has even felt almost sinful to be leaving. My sister's kids are my kids' best friends. We will miss the daily conversation of when we will get to see Logan and Isabel that week.

 

I have walked through our home of more than 9 years and as much as many times I've complained about the stained carpet which I always wanted to replace with hard wood, or the walled in kitchen which I wanted to open up by tearing down the center wall, as much as I see the things I've wanted to change, I see the  home we made. Not a perfect one by any means. I've had so far my toughest motherhood tests here, often times of which I failed. Matt and I have gone through the tunnel of chaos countless times as we work through conflict and the journey of marriage. But our home has been a place where we have opened the door to friends and family. Two of my sisters and brothers have lived for significant amounts of times here. We have had numerous poolside BBQ's with close friends and family. My kids learned how to ride their bikes on the driveway in one day by their dad.

 

It was a tough day walking around our home. It is wonderfully spacious from the extra rooms to the insanely large garage. My husband who is unfairly talented redid our bathroom which took 6 months. Every cut in every piece of tile was precise and exact. Matt did so much renovation in this home. Fixed so many things. Endured patiently while I tried to pick out paint colors for bedroom which I always second guessed immediately after the walls were done, but then the colors grew on me once again.

 

In the same way I spent the day second guessing our decision to move. Even though the process has been long in the making, the reality of it which is so close now made me wonder if we are doing the right thing. Should we have waited a little longer for the market to rebound more. How do I leave my father who is in his late years and my mom who is caring for him so faithfully. Pulling the kids from their cousins and leaving the friendship of my sister. The kids have become friends with other kids. Cosette is in her final year of the only school she has ever known. So many doubts flooded my mind today and I could not turn it off.

 

Then tonight, in the middle of the night while the kids sleep and the movie plays, I imagined us staying here and Matt continue to work out of town coming home every 6-8 weeks or so and I immediately began to cry. Sob. A nose running-tears falling-Kleenex needing cry. I don't want to live like this anymore even though it means life changing and painful sacrifices. I want to see my husband walk through the door at the end of the day. I want to talk with him and share mundane stories of our days. I want to see the kids wrestle and play and Cole to follow him around while Matt fixes things or tunes up the quads. I want to see Corinne jump on him and demand a piggy back ride. I want to smell his coffee brewing in the early mornings and smell his popcorn cooking on the stove at night. I want to watch American Pickers and CBS Sunday Mornings with him. I want the chance to stand in the middle of the kitchen and hug him whenever I want while the kids pull us apart to be able to squeeze in between.

 

As painful as it is and how crazy it seems to leave this beautiful place which we have called home for so long, as difficult as it will be to pull away from the curb and our daily interaction with my family and friends, I cannot imagine another year like this one. Maybe our time away won't be forever or long. I don't know. But the tears in the wee hours today tell me and convince me again to take this step and continue the journey of being a family together.

 

 

Moving Sales and Memories

We are in the process of packing up 9 years of our life at 180 W. Mulberry. Packing is so much more than putting stuff in boxes. Well, at least it is for this sentimental semi-hoarder. We had 2 moving sales this past weekend and will have one more. In the mean time, as Matt is away, it is my primary responsibility to sort through and put things into 3 piles. Save, Sell, Give away. Our yard sales are funding our travel expenses to our new home in Ryder, North Dakota.

 

 

Yard Sale Stuff

 

This is the easy pile. These are all the things accumulated along the way of life that is no longer of use, is outdated, unwanted and the excess loads of our lives. So many times stuff just finds it way into your home and needs to be purged. Things at the time we thought we needed or wanted no longer have their appeal or usefulness. Clothes begin here and then wll move to the givewaway pile. Toys the kids have outgrown and don't have sentimental value belong here. Leftover stuff. Yard sale stuff allows our old stuff to become someone else's new find.

Yard sales are fun to do and watch. People are funny. Interesting.

 

You get the drive-bys, who simply drive up, stay in their car as they scour your sale seeing if there is anything worth getting out for. I have to be honest. These people often hurt my feelings. "What? My junk isn't good enough for you?" :-)

 

You get the browsers. People out for their morning walk and stop and visit and look through your stuff.

 

You get the talkers. People who have no intention of buying anything but want to stop and visit since you are outside.

 

You get the bargain hunters that no matter how low you price something, it's gotta go lower. "50 cents is simply too much for that winter coat. I'll give you a quarter." These people drive me crazy as I never have been looking to make a mint on a yard sale, but c'mon.

 

Then you get the people yard sales are for. These are my favorite. People who truly need some new things and need a bargain. I have been here before and I not ashamed to say needed a bargain myself. They look for clothes for their kids or grandkids. Toys. A bike. Kitchen table. Those interactions with people make us glad to help in these hard times. I do also think that bargain is the new cool. :-) I never put out broken items or clothes that are ratted or torn. I feel it's insulting. It's giving some else your garbage. People of all shapes and sizes come and look through and pick out stuff. My favorite is when children come and gravitate to our "everything is 25 cents" box of unused toys. I remember watching our kids play with them and my kids still love to yard sale with me and find amazement in little things.

 

One man this past weekend was shopping and then began to tell us his story. You can tell who lives at the home of the yard sale based on the books they are selling. My table was filled with Christian books and weight loss manuals. Pretty well sums up my life. :-) He was looking at the books and was telling us his battle with stage 4 cancer. The doctors had given him a year to live. He had told us about the radiation treatments he had and how much weight he had lost. But then he began to gain the weight back and he knew he had a second shot at life. He and his girlfriend go on their own to a nearby nursing/retirement center and visit with the people there. They always like to bring them something to lift their spirits and he was looking at some little trinkets representing faith. He bought a couple of things for about 50 cents and then we looked through the table together and  we gave him all the little devotional books we could find so he could pass them out. He was truly grateful.

 

He said, "I just want to give back."

 

Loved it. Remembered it. Want to emulate it.

 

 

Giveaway Stuff

 

Another easy one. Let's be honest. Giveaway stuff is usually everything we don't sell. We box it up and drop it off at the local Goodwill truck where volunteers sit and wait on Saturday and Sunday evenings for all the yard sale people to come by.

 

Sunday night, exhausted from the two day sale we had, I took all the clothes, shoes, purses and hats we didn't sell and bagged them up. We had about 5 large black garbage bags full. Corinne, my 7 year old and I drove over to the Goodwill truck by the K-Mart and found the faithful volunteers, I assume,  in their blue Goodwill vests waiting for drop off donations. As I drove up next to the truck, the men graciously began to unload our heavy bags with a smile and kind disposition. As we talked, I wondered about their stories. Wondered if they were once receipiants of kindness to get them through a rough time. What makes another person look to meet the needs of another? Here they are. Volunterring for an organization known to meet the needs of the underresourced. In the hot sun of Vegas, they smile and assist and do what they can for others. Corinne and I talked on the way home about Goodwill and the reality is that many people are hurting and are dependent upon the kindness of strangers.That it is right to share. To give. It reflects God who is the Ultimate Giver who gave everything in His Son Jesus. Those Goodwill men making it happen and by their very presence in the parking lot remind everyone who drives by to look to meet the needs of others.

 

Love it. Remembered it. Want to emulate it.

 

 

To Save Stuff

 

Here's the fun and very slow part for this sentimental heart. These are the things that tell the stories of our lives. In the back of drawers and cabinets, I am finding memories that take me all the way to high school. Memories of friendship. Faith. Pictures of people I still hold a place of importance in my heart to this day. This part I cannot rush through for it is essentially - me. I know I will be doing a great deal of reflection in the next several months about my more than 19 years in Las Vegas. I was 27 when I arrived. Single. Young. Naive. Excited. Thinner :-). I know I will ask the question to God, "Did it matter? Did it count?" and in my time of prayer He will show me what He wants to about these 19 years. Many things will go unknown until heaven and the tape of my life is shown from an eternal perspective, but I will seek to know. And I am confident that the faces of people whom I treasure will immediately come to mind. I will remember people who took me in and fed me. People whom I served with and went to foreign countries with. Students who are now parents themselves  whom I loved like they were my own. People whom I only crossed paths with for a moment to pray in times of need or prayed with me and encouraged me. Couples whom I had the privilege of performing their marriage. Families of those who passed away and I officiated the services. Small groups and Bible study little communities we were a part of. BBQ's filled with laughter. Camping trips. Family gatherings and on and on and on. People. That's what I will remember. I found a cassette tape (remember those?) given to me by 2 of our guy students many many years ago. They had recorded themselves singing favorite songs to us and I think about how wonderfully silly and goofy those years were and the fact that we were such a part of their lives for them to do that makes me smile as I write now.

 

I found pictures of Matt's and my honeymoon tucked away. How new we were to this whole marriage thing and here we are. A little more worn. A little more wiser. Stronger. Humbled by the calling of marriage, yet one. That one-ness that God has done is our foundation to go on this strange new adventure together.

 

I found little notes and bookmarks made by my kids for Mom's Day or just because. Scribbly kindergarten writing to tell their mom they love her. Pictures when they were so little. Those years went by SO quickly and these pictures and tokens of love are what I have to remember and share with them THEIR life story they are writing right now.

 

Our little farm house in North Dakota will be stretched to the rafters with the "To Save" stuff I am bringing. I know Matt doesn't always understand why I cannot throw away many of these things. But maybe that's the mom's job. The mom's heart to the family. Letting the "To Save" stuff tell the family's story.

 

Yard Sale Stuff. Giveaway Stuff. To Save Stuff. It's more than stuff when love and community surround it.

 

Gotta get back to it now. :-)

A New Time and Place

Moving Sales. Two down. One more to go.

 

This past weekend we sorted through boxes and sticker-ed unnecessary belongings with little colored dots. $2. $1. 25 cents. As we haggled with strangers and neighbors over prices of no longer listened to CD's and unused toys, I was flooded with my reality. We are moving. Soon.

 

Many people in our lives have been on this almost 1 1/2 year journey with The Quillins. As I rewind the tape, I cannot believe how quickly it has passed though it has felt like some of the longest months of  my life.

 

To catch everyone up to speed, beginning in the fall of 2010 at the height of the economic bust of Las Vegas, my husband Matt began heading out of town to begin setting up business in the oh so popular travel destination of North Dakota. The company he has worked for for almost 20 years had been feeling the construction decline in Las Vegas for a couple of years now and they knew that if they didn't seek out new opportunities to re-invent themselves, they would experience the same fate of many small businesses of the late 2000's.

 

I was busy raising our three elementary school aged kids at that time, recently resigned as an event rep for a Christian conference organization. It was a very busy time and Matt's travels were short and not that life altering. I was thankful at that time that SOMETHING was beginning to happen for his work.

 

In the next several months, the trips got more involved. Longer. More frequent. In the late spring of 2011, Matt had to go for 5 weeks  to complete the construction of the "shop" as they called it. It was a huge building and Matt was primary in making it happen. In the year, they had partnered with and then bought out an oil servicing company to assist the numerous oil drilling/pumping businesses that had invaded North Dakota. A new boom was happening and it was quickly apparent that we were going to be a part of it.

 

When Matt returned, we vacationed for 3 weeks for my family's family reunion and to celebrate my parents 50th anniversary. It was an unknowing blessing and filling for me as I didn't truly realize how quickly life was about to change. We returned and the next day packed up the camper and piled into the truck and took a week long road trip to ND for him to get back to work and us to get our first glimpse of ND. Traveling through Utah, Yellowstone and Wyoming towards North Dakota is unknowingly deceiving. The gorgeous landscapes of America's mountain ranges was idyllic and gave me a patriotic pride of the land we live in.

 

As we got closer and closer to Matt's company in North Dakota, the landscape changes. It's flatter and wheat colored. Two lane roads replace the interstate. People and communities are much more spread a part. I began a wondering if I could truly see ourselves here. This wondering would continue for many many months.

 

We stopped at a nearby truck stop for some food and my kids thought it was another Disneyland. I'm amazed at the perspective and observations of children. I, on the other hand, was beginning my freak out experience. I looked around at everything and everyone and saw nothing of the familiar. Nothing felt comfortable or alluring or appealing. As Matt and the kids enjoyed their truck stop pizza like it was filet mignon, I went to the car holding back the tears just long enough to get inside.

"I can't do this", I cried to no one.... to myself... to God.

We continued on to where Matt worked and again, was struck by how different life was here. I knew I was being asked to consider something that maybe for the first time I truly didn't know if I could do.

We spent the week at the lake in a campground. The kids were in heaven. Grass and mud and lightning bugs filled their hours. No one was missing TV, DS's, or Wii. We cooked outside and endured a thunderstorm. Campfires at night filled our evenings that were so quiet. Dinners were late as the sun doesn't set in that part of the country until well past 10 p.m.. As the kids continued to play at the camp playground with other instant friends made by campsites around us, I welcomed the peaceful way of life. My parents joined us for that week and it was truly fun.

At the end of the week, Matt would move into the camper by work and I would travel home with the kids and life had changed. As I boarded the plane with the kids and said goodbye to Matt, life had turned. North Dakota was going to be a big part of our lives for a while. I came home and something felt so strange. Matt was not there. We didn't want to do this for long. I began my 1 1/2 years of semi-single parenting and began to get the house ready to sell.

Fast forward to today. House is sold at a economy-tragic low price. But sold. My parents whom we have lived with for over 9 years are looking for a place in Vegas to stay close to my sister. And we are packing. Getting ready to leave in the next few weeks. I cannot even begin to express the missing that will happen. I think we are in denial. :-)

There is much more to the story which I will unpack in the next coming months, probably more for my benefit than any others :-)

But here in the end is the truth that I have been seared with. Changed by. Grateful for.

Our God is a faithful God.

I have been SO unfaithful to Him, myself, to my family and friends. I have fallen so short and yet He has never let go. There have been many times of wondering if He is still holding us and He has never failed.

This move is not my dream move. There is not a dream job waiting for me or proximity to family and friends which I would love. This move is a trust move as we go without knowing, confident of His provision and presence.

We are going to be together as a family. We are deeply grateful for His provision in these tough times and do not take that lightly. We go to embrace adventure and new callings. We go to honor our faithful God.

I would love for anyone reading this to follow the new Quillin adventure. Much more to share.
All to recognize and honor our faithful God.