Tears at 2:30 a.m.

My feelings find words when I write. My thoughts find a center when I type them out on a blank white page.

 

I am up at 2:30 a.m. which is not that unusual. I cannot sleep throughout the night anymore. It began long before Matt began working out of town. Sometime between 1 - 4 a.m. I will find myself awake, on the couch, unable to sleep. I usually kill time by watching a taped movie or checking out my Facebook page. I don't usually do anything that will require much energy because I am looking to slowly drift back to sleep until my busy days wake me.

 

Tonight is different. Today was a very hard day in this transition. In this move. We've been so consumed with decisions and counter offers on our home and packing and sorting and planning. It's been a year and a half of waiting to see what our next step will be. Waiting to see if we will find a home to reunite us as a family and put us under the same roof. Living daily in this constant wait is like dancing with your shoe laces tied to each other. You can take a step but not too big of one. So you dance but stand still at the same time.

 

Today it was incredibly difficult to think about leaving and moving. I cannot even begin to express how hard it will be to leave my family. In the season of life my parents are in, it has even felt almost sinful to be leaving. My sister's kids are my kids' best friends. We will miss the daily conversation of when we will get to see Logan and Isabel that week.

 

I have walked through our home of more than 9 years and as much as many times I've complained about the stained carpet which I always wanted to replace with hard wood, or the walled in kitchen which I wanted to open up by tearing down the center wall, as much as I see the things I've wanted to change, I see the  home we made. Not a perfect one by any means. I've had so far my toughest motherhood tests here, often times of which I failed. Matt and I have gone through the tunnel of chaos countless times as we work through conflict and the journey of marriage. But our home has been a place where we have opened the door to friends and family. Two of my sisters and brothers have lived for significant amounts of times here. We have had numerous poolside BBQ's with close friends and family. My kids learned how to ride their bikes on the driveway in one day by their dad.

 

It was a tough day walking around our home. It is wonderfully spacious from the extra rooms to the insanely large garage. My husband who is unfairly talented redid our bathroom which took 6 months. Every cut in every piece of tile was precise and exact. Matt did so much renovation in this home. Fixed so many things. Endured patiently while I tried to pick out paint colors for bedroom which I always second guessed immediately after the walls were done, but then the colors grew on me once again.

 

In the same way I spent the day second guessing our decision to move. Even though the process has been long in the making, the reality of it which is so close now made me wonder if we are doing the right thing. Should we have waited a little longer for the market to rebound more. How do I leave my father who is in his late years and my mom who is caring for him so faithfully. Pulling the kids from their cousins and leaving the friendship of my sister. The kids have become friends with other kids. Cosette is in her final year of the only school she has ever known. So many doubts flooded my mind today and I could not turn it off.

 

Then tonight, in the middle of the night while the kids sleep and the movie plays, I imagined us staying here and Matt continue to work out of town coming home every 6-8 weeks or so and I immediately began to cry. Sob. A nose running-tears falling-Kleenex needing cry. I don't want to live like this anymore even though it means life changing and painful sacrifices. I want to see my husband walk through the door at the end of the day. I want to talk with him and share mundane stories of our days. I want to see the kids wrestle and play and Cole to follow him around while Matt fixes things or tunes up the quads. I want to see Corinne jump on him and demand a piggy back ride. I want to smell his coffee brewing in the early mornings and smell his popcorn cooking on the stove at night. I want to watch American Pickers and CBS Sunday Mornings with him. I want the chance to stand in the middle of the kitchen and hug him whenever I want while the kids pull us apart to be able to squeeze in between.

 

As painful as it is and how crazy it seems to leave this beautiful place which we have called home for so long, as difficult as it will be to pull away from the curb and our daily interaction with my family and friends, I cannot imagine another year like this one. Maybe our time away won't be forever or long. I don't know. But the tears in the wee hours today tell me and convince me again to take this step and continue the journey of being a family together.