Weather report.... Highs in the mid 80's; chance of severe storms late... greattttttt.....:-))))
One of the blessings of the quieter life here in rural North Dakota is the ability to think, reflect, and write..... to this innately over thinker, over emote-er, and over analyzer, that blessing comes with the other side of the coin, the curse of the quiet. I find myself so often OVER thinking, OVER feeling, and OVER analyzing. Like the peeling away at an onion until all layers are gone and you have nothing left except headaches and weariness which leads back to the blessing of the quiet places - naps. :-)
I have neglected writing over the past few weeks. Or I should say, I've neglected finishing and posting about our life here in Ryder. Many reasons for it but probably the best one is that it does not demand at me. It sits here and waits for me to come and be quiet and still myself for a couple of hours. It is a new love of mine, to write. Well, actually that's not completely true. I've journaled a lot since I was young in high school. I've kept daily journals and prayer journals and journals of quotes, song lyrics, and precious words of a friend or mentor throughout my life. I've started other blogs with some success, but this one has meant a lot to me as I try to capture this crazy new life we've chosen. I believe in my soul that everyday there is something to gain and to give. I believe everyday is a day of this life God gave to us to show us something about Him and ourselves and the world we are present in. I believe that but I don't often live that, in all honesty. However, I've learned that when I sit and write and reflect, even on my worst days, there was something I was given and hopefully gave.
Writing does not demand at me like the daily responsibilities of being a mom and wife and friend. It does not demand at me like a sink full of dishes and loads of laundry so my family doesn't need to turn underwear inside out. It does not demand of me of the oh-so-long-list of things to get done. The choice to sit down and write does not demand of me like immediate needs. Writing will demand of me other things, and so often I don't sit down. It will demand of me time, honesty, and truth.....and so often I just don't want to go there. But today I will....:-)
This morning as I was washing the neglected dishes in the sink from the day before, my journey of mid life I've been traveling on for the past several months came to the forefront of my mind. I've been thinking a lot about my life and my choices and the people of my life. It's not always an easy journey of reflection for me and I shouldn't do it alone as my human nature so often leads me to the reminder of where I do not measure up. Or have messed up. Or could have done it better. Or could have been better. I wish it were not so and even though I've been blessed with treasured people, some life successes to encourage me, and undeniable truths of how good God is to me, my default restore is this nagging sense of shortcomings. I'm working on it with good people but it's real. So as I was washing dishes as the kids slept in this Saturday and Matt headed to the office, I was thinking about how so often in the experience of life, it IS our struggles, our failures, our inadequacies....our humanness is what often speaks the loudest and is most real. That the things in our lives that we MOST don't want anyone to know or do our best to cover up or make up for can be the very thing that brings the most life to ourselves and others.
Now, I'm not saying, "misery loves company" and for sure am not endorsing a defeatist mindset. What I am saying is that it's time to take off the fear of really letting ourselves and our lives be known to safe and good people and quit working so hard to try to make up for where we feel we have fallen short or when life isn't as easy or victorious as we would like to portray. It's time for me.
I was thinking through the stories of the great people of faith and there's always another side to the coin in their walk of faith with God. Noah built the ark, but also was drunk. Abraham "went without knowing" and became the father of the Jewish nation "in whom all will be blessed" but slept with his wife's maid in a moment of faithlessness to God's promise. David killed Goliath then committed adultery and gave orders for murder. Moses led the people out of Egypt and parted the Red Sea but struck the rock and never entered the promised land. Peter walked on water and cut off the Roman soldiers ear to protect Jesus and then denied Him just a few short hours later. Paul wrote 1/3 of the New Testament but suffered more greatly than any other scripture writer and died a martyr's death.
The paradoxes of our life in faith are real. Not wasted or unimportant or to be denied. In fact there's some comfort knowing that life, and life in faith is not an unending ride to glory but full of pitfalls and heartbreaks and the unplanned. I'm sure no one would disagree but here's the point I've had to admit about myself. I don't want you to know that about me. I don't want to share the pain and doubts and regrets. I don't. However, and here's the paradox, I have found in letting others into those places, I've experienced the greatest sense of love and grace and community. Plus, the transformational truth that we are not alone and were created for one another.
It's not for the faint of heart, walking in authenticity. I would rather you remember my talk at the leadership retreat that you told me you loved and not know immediately afterwards I went to my car and cried because I felt I failed and did not bring my best. I want you to be encouraged by our family's adventure of faith in our move here and not know how many times I have cried in depression or grief over all we left and see my doubts on our decision. I want you to smile at my postings of encouragement on Facebook and not see the wrestling for hope that I did that morning. I want you to read my words of real truths I came to know but not know the process of getting there that humbled me and showed my real lack of faith I carry most days. I want you to receive my heart's desire to be there and serve in anyway and not see my struggle with selfishness. But if I hide the second part of those stories, I cannot be known. I cannot know you. And community doesn't happen. And hope is not shared.
I remember celebrating with so many on the announcement of our first pregnancy only to have to a few days later stand before those same friends and share the heartbreak of our miscarriage. But it was after sharing our loss, I had some of the deepest encounters with so many who went through it, were still in grief, and for some never had spoken of the loss.
I remember being asked to speak on gentleness and kindness and goodness in a series on the fruit of the Spirit for a mom's group and instead of speaking about how we can incorporate these qualities more in our roles as moms, I shared my story of my struggles with depression after my kids were born and how I am learning how gentle and kind and good God really is. I knew it wasn't what the leaders were expecting but it was my story. I felt I had let the ladies down. But after that talk as soon as I got off stage, a woman came to me and just hugged me tight without saying a word and just cried for 10 minutes because of her silent struggle.
I remember sharing the story of the real struggle early in Matt's and my marriage and the truth of clinging to the hope that God would be faithful to us. The conversations that followed were more full of honest and hopeful encouragement than any stories of endless (and untrue) wine and roses. :-)
I can think of the blog posts I have written that were very raw that I didn't have the courage for anyone to see.
So I wondered this morning in the midst of cleaning if those admissions of my life, those things I don't want anyone to know, are more full of life than any seeming "success" story I would rather tell. The ones that make me feel better or important but leave me with a sense of disconnection, with myself, others, and God. I wondered why God chooses to use to the darker places of our lives, the challenges and the struggles more sometimes. It may seem obvious but I often miss it because I don't want the answer....
The more I try to impress you, the more you are less impressed. The more I hide me, the less can be known between us. And love is not possible absent of being known. Fear is the reason we hide. I'm afraid of what happens between us when I am before you real and known. That's the risk. The love risk. I risk not being received by you. But I also risk not being loved by you.
"Perfect love casts our fear... " the scripture writer tells us. His perfect love makes it possible. For us and between us.
It's OK. Flip that coin. Let love come.
in life is found.
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